The Sounds of Tenderly Blue


Briny air blew hard today. I looked over the rocks around me. When I was little, I named this shore "Sleeping Elephants". There are so many unique rocks like Elephants' heads. I sat down on my favorite rock to play my bamboo-flute. Down by the cave, children were running, trying to catch the sea birds.... Like them, I believed I could catch everything.

A straw hat came into sight.
"Please catch my hat!" A little boy ran up to me. I caught his hat quickly.
"Here you go."
"Thank you very much." The boy looked five years old. He was covered with sand.
"Are you playing in the sand?" I asked him.
"Yes. I'm making a huge castle, like this." He stretched out his arms.
"Oh, that's so big. I hope you can do that." I gave him a wink. He grinned and went back behind the rock.
I continued to play my bamboo-flute. The bamboo-flute--a stubborn instrument, fights impatient musicians at every breath-is not popular among with my generation.

The sea song, it is my memory of a past summer.
I had an enjoyable time at the shore in my childhood.
One day, I dove into the sea and came up for air,
I heard the sound of the waves.
I named the sound The Sea Song.
The sunlight was glittering, trembling on the surface of the water,
My shoulders were hot, the tips of my toes were slightly cold, and my mouth was salty.
The world of the underwater was silent....

Many memories have faded away as time has passed,
But for some reason, The Sea Song remains clearly.
The sound was strong, but tender....

...I have tried to recreate the value of the sound with my bamboo-flute....

Twilight crept upon me without my knowing it. I closed my parasol. The sky was glowing with the setting sun. It made me squint. Then, I heard a child crying. I stood up and walked to behind the rock. It was the straw-hat boy.
"What's wrong?"
"My castle was broken by the big wave."
"Oh, I'm sorry. This inlet is engulfed by the tide in the evening."
"Is the sea hungry?"
"Yeah, it is."
"Am I engulfed, too?"
"Actually, it is dangerous to stay here. Where are your parents? Where are you from?"
"Yesterday, I came here with my dad, but he's busy today. We stay at that hotel." He pointed to the Seaside View Hotel.
"I see. You weren't playing with sand by yourself, were you?"
"No! The old man at that boat house plays with me."
"Oh, you mean Mr. Hayashi who has a white beard?"
"Yes, my dad knows him. Mr. Hayashi pulls me up if I get into the sea."
"He likes you. Let's go back to the boat house." Then I saw Mr. Hayashi was smiling and waving his hand to me.
"Yeah... Hey look, that's my dad." He waved to a man.

His father approached us slowly. When he got near, I smelled clove cigarettes. At the same time, my heart started to beat quickly. After a few seconds, his father called my name.
"Hazuki...."
"Gen...." I called his name, but I couldn't find any words.
"Is that you ... really you? Oh ... how are you...?" Gen said.
"I... I'm well... Oh ... wow... look at you.... How are you?" I said.
"Do you know her?" The little boy asked his father innocently.
"Yeah, she's my old friend. " Gen told his son.
Gen's son turned to me and then back to his father, "Then, let's go to tonight's fireworks festival, the three of us."
"Fireworks.... Well, you have to ask her." Gen glanced at me.
"Fireworks? Yeah, okay... I will join," I said to his son.
"Could you come to the Shinto shrine gate at eight o'clock?" Gen asked me and gave me his card smoothly.
"The Shinto shrine? Yes, I will." I answered Gen, but I kept smiling at his son. I couldn't look at Gen directly. I gave Gen my number awkwardly.

On the way to home, I tried to calm myself. I'd never imagined I would meet him again. Why had I promised to go to the fireworks festival? Gen.... An old friend? No, that's not enough for me. Gen was a friend from my childhood, from my village, this village. When I was little, I ran after him everyday. He was four years older than me. My thoughts about him became more serious day by day, year by year. When I was about twenty, I loved him. Once, I almost believed that he would love me, too. But he never looked at me as a woman. And I wanted to be with him in so many ways.... So many dreams.... So many memories.... So many, so many tears.... After he had left this village for Tokyo, I changed my phone number, so I didn't need to be sad that he didn't call me....

My feelings for him rushed back to me. I felt intricate emotions. Bitter memories hindered nostalgia....

My phone rang. I almost jumped in astonishment.
"Hello?" I hoped it was not Gen.
"Hi, Hazuki." It was my friend, Mayumi.
"Hi, Mayumi, what's up?"
"Guess who I met today?" she asked with serious voice.
"...Gen?" I answered.
"Oh, my God! You met him, too?"
"Yes, I did, at the shore. What is he doing in this village? Did you talk to him?"
"Yeah, but just for a little bit. He's staying at the Seaside View Hotel on business. He mentioned that his son was here, too," she said.
"I know. I met his son. Yeah, come to think of it, his son looks like Gen's as a child. Well, he got married, as I thought."
"Hazuki, do you still feel attached to Gen?"
"I hope not."
"It's been six years since he left here, isn't it?"
"This is exactly the seventh year. He left here that fireworks festival night, seven years ago," I said.
" Don't be soaked in sentimental memories. You were hurt enough. I don't need to remind you, do I? You almost became an alcoholic when he left. Forget about him. You will never meet him again."
"To tell the truth, I'm going out with them."
"What?"
"His son said, 'Let's go to the fireworks festival three of us'."
"Three him, Gen, and you.... How about his wife?"
"Well, that's exactly I was wondering since I left the shore. He may have gotten a divorce...."
"Hazuki, you no longer love him, do you? Perhaps his wife is home waiting for them."
"I know. I thought he was dismissed from my mind. But, he shows up suddenly... he has not changed, you know...."
"Stop it, Hazuki."
"I know! I'll just go to the fireworks festival with him and his son. This is nothing like a date. Believe me, my love is far in the past." I hung up my phone. I wanted a drink, but I didn't have one. I'd quit alcohol. I looked for my plain summer kimono and found it in the storage chest. I ironed it. I was nervous.

"My love is far in the past...." I said to myself. Saying it again, I knew it was a lie. Even if I cheated Mayumi, I could never cheated myself. Oh, God....

The Shinto shrine has a flight of over two hundred stone steps. I came early and started to go up. I already had sore feet because of my wooden-clogs. When I passed half of the steps, a couple of fireworks shot into the sky, the festival had begun. Whenever I heard the sound of fireworks, I felt summer would be gone soon.

"Good evening." Gen and his son were already at the gate.
"Hi, am I late?"
"No. He couldn't wait for the festival. We came here thirty minutes ago."
"Good evening." I smiled at his son. I felt uncomfortable with them. I knew that I was in a wrong picture.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"I'm Taku," he said. "I want to see fireworks from up there, dad." He pointed to a big tree.
"Okay. But don't climb so high. Do you understand?" Gen tapped Taku's hip.
"I understand, dad." Once Taku was gone, I became more nervous. I touched the neckband of my kimono. Gen started to speak first.

"Nothing is changed," he said.
"Did you expect this old village would became more urban?"
"I mean, you... Hazuki."
"Me? I have changed a lot. I became a twenty-eight-year-old-woman," I said.
"Twenty eight...."
He gazed at me and asked, "How are you getting along? Are you happy now?"
"Don't ask that."
"Why?"
"I'm not a good liar." I smiled.
"How about your dream of playing a bamboo-flute all over the world? I saw you playing at the shore."
"Yes, but.... Far from all over the world. I haven't played even outside of this village. Well, I'm having some shows in some old hotels around here.... What do you do?"
"Well, I wanted to be a playwright, but I'm just a writer for travelers' magazines. I'm writing a series of articles about traditional villages for a certain magazine. That's why I am here now."
"Really, what are you going to write about this village?" I continued to ask questions about his job because I was afraid of mentioning his wife.

The gorgeous fire-followers: red, blue, yellow, and orange, blossoming in the sky one after another. Thanks to the big noises, our conversation stopped.

While I was looking up the fireworks, I was so filled with emotion that I wanted to lean on his shoulder...

"That's great!" He cheered for a set of fireworks, and patted me on the head. I was amazed at his behavior, and looked up his face.
"Oh, I'm sorry.... I just feel you are still my little sister."
"Little sister?"
"Yeah."
"Do you know how many times you hurt me with those words?"
"Oh, I... I'm sorry. But, it's an old story, isn't it?
"Yes, it is an old story!" I almost cried.
"Are you upset?" Gen grasped my arm.
"I'm sorry, but I have to go. I forgot about I had other plans." I shook off his hand and ran away from him.
"Hazuki!" He shouted. I ran desperately. My feet were killing me. I took off my wooden-clogs, and held them in my hand. How stupid I was! My eyes were filled with tears....

I played my bamboo-flute all night sitting by a window. My feeble sound drifted around the night air without destination.

When I woke up the next day, a morning glory withered. I found it was already noon. My feet were still sore. I made a strong coffee and poured it into a big mug. I thought about Gen. I regretted last night. I was so childish. I wanted to apologize to him. My love was one-sided. I knew it. Why did I need that confirmed for the millionth time? Especially after seven years past. What did I expect of Gen? I picked up my bamboo-flute to go to the shore. I thought perhaps, I could meet him there.

I played my bamboo-flute on my usual rock. I couldn't concentrate on my sound. Somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
"Why did you go home so soon last night?" Taku asked me.
"I'm sorry, I remembered something important."
"I see."
"You are covered with sand. Are you making a sand castle, again?"
"Yes, I made one on the top of the rock, although it was not very big. I thought it was protected, but a big wave broke it. So then I made a small one in this cup." He was holding out his arm to show an ice-cream cup to me.
"Oh, you made a tiny one. Let me see!" He opened the lid of the cup.
"Oh no! Ants are on my castle." He was disappointed.
"When did you make this?"
"After lunch. When I closed the lid, there weren't ants."
"Maybe they came through the hole." I pointed to the little hole.
"I was going to present this to my mom." He said dejectedly.
"Is your mother at home?"
"Yes, my mom and my little sister are at home," he said. My smile was stiff, but I tried to speak cheerfully.
"Don't you think your castle is a real one for ants?"
"A real castle?"
"Yes, a real castle you built for these ants."
"Yeah, it is." He laughed.
"Taku, where are you?" I heard Gen's voice.
"Dad, I'm here." Gen showed up from a cave.
"Taku, you should wash your hands at that boat house. And Mr. Hayashi wants to show you something." Gen pushed Taku's back and sat down on a rock next to me.

"Could you play your bamboo-flute for me?" Gen requested. Instead of answering, I started to play. My flute sounded sad, but no longer so feeble. An old poet said that sadness turns to tenderness as the earth completes revolutions. Maybe, my sadness needs a few more revolutions....

"That's a good sound." Gen whispered.
"Not yet. I will find my sound some day."
"I'm sure you will."
"Gen, do you remember we used to make sand castles here, too?" I gazed at him.
"Yes, I remember that. You always tried to make a huge one. And you never compromised that." Gen gazed back at me.
"I still can make a sand castle in my mind, although it's getting smaller... but stronger." I said.
"Smaller, but stronger?
"Yes, smaller but stronger." I repeated.
He smiled and tried to say something.
"Dad!" Taku called to him from behind a cave. "Mr. Hayashi gave me a big watermelon! Let's go home!"
Gen doesn't belong to my life in this village. He needs to go back to his home, as I need to find my sound.
"I'm glad to see you again." I stood up.
"Good luck!" Gen stood up, too. He walked with his back toward me. I called him, "Gen!"
"What?" He looked back. I didn't know what I wanted to say.
"Good luck to you all!" I shouted.

I wandered along the shore for a while. I was in a new twilight. I looked at the horizon. The earth completed one revolution again, engulfing sand castles. I listen to the sea song; it was strong and tender; eternally tender.