A Chocolate Phenomenon

Downtown Manhattan, 5PM,
Mannequins smirk in the shop-windows,
Car-horns no longer sound like music,
Trashy dresses, cheapie shoes, fake-brand bags....
A waitress wipes a vinyl tablecloth,
I sip coffee that tastes like black ink,
Hamburger, French Fries and pickles,
Oily, salty foods mix with murmurs...

Winter had already come, but some dead leaves clung to the trees on the street with bad grace. If I were a leaf, I would be gone quickly. Wouldn't I? I have lived in New York for five years. Is it high time I went back to Japan?

"Would you like to some desert?" A waitress, who is a pretty blond girl, asked me.
"Well, chocolate cake, please," I ordered, forgetting again that I had started a diet.

I was born and raised in a Japanese rural village. Since I was little, I had fancied that I would have a wonderful future as an artist in New York City. I used to imagine: wearing top-notch fashion, living in a high-rise building, dating a nice guy, a nice American guy.... I thought New York air would make me an artist. When I graduated from Art University in Japan, my aunt set me up to work in a New York design office as a graphic designers' assistant. I left Japan as if I were going to paradise.

However, reality is quite harsh.... I have been charged with layout for pornographic magazines. Porno! It's far away from the art world. My income is so low that I can't live in a high-rise building. I made a tiny studio in the kitchen. My art works were becoming miniatures. I met a nice American guy three years ago, but my love ended so quickly. I'm failing the city life. I want to go back to my hometown, but I can't. In someway, I'm still clinging to an ideal scenario of my life... But with Tokyo's economy diving during the '80s and this early '90s in Tokyo, I knew I wasn't the only one unhappy about a job.

The waitress brought my chocolate cake with an imitation smile. Why did this chocolate cake always seduce me? It is about 800 calories and zero vitamins. I ate all of it, and paid for my meal.

Outside was so cold. I saw my breath. White. Mannequins were wearing gorgeous dresses in a shop-window. I looked at myself reflected a glass. "These dresses are not for you," the conceited mannequin dolls sneered at me.... A part-time Santa Claus was serving out some handbill. The flashy pink handbills were scattered on the street. I picked up one of them. It was an advertisement for Christmas bargains.... "What a poor design and cheapish typos!" I felt contempt and sympathy for the graphic designer who made this flyer.... When I crossed the street, a car honked at me. Many taxies ran one after another. Every car followed with orderless order, and so did I.

I walked to Greenwich Village and reached at the bar to see my friend Jenny. She is always late, but this time she was already waiting for me. It was not a good sign.

"Hi, Lika!" Jenny waved her hand at a corner of the counter. She liked 60s fashion. Today, she was dressed up like Brigitte Bardo. Her hair looked like an ice cream.
"You look gloomy, as usual." Jenny said.
"You look merry, as usual." I said.

...It was Jenny that I had fallen in love with, three years ago. She was a guy then. A really handsome guy. Her real name was Jack. He gave me some happy moments. Jack was exactly what I pictured as my dream American guy.... However, it wasn't the perfect world. It was New York City, the most unique place in the world, and where I was trying to fit in. I wasn't cry about Jack. I was more curious about what happened to him than forlorn over my lost love. I am still in the process of understanding his choice, his change. But Jenny has already become one of my closest friends

"How's your porno mag going?" Jenny said.
"Don't say 'porno', please." I whispered.
"Why? Do you still think porno is obscene?"
"It is. Porno is obscene. Compared with Vogue or ELLE, a porno magazine is nothing artistic. It is a second-class magazine," I said.
"Oh, come on, if fashion magazines are art for you, how come porno magazines aren't. I told you, don't be so such a prude. That's why you can't find an American boyfriend."
"You have no right to say such a thing to me. I'm no longer looking for an American boyfriend."
"Is that my fault?" Jenny asked me.
"Right." I answered and ordered gin and tonic.

"So Jenny, you want to ask me a favor, don't you?
"Oh, yes, but don't worry, I won't take long. Lika, you are familiar with computers, especially graphic software, aren't you?"
"Well, I can handle any major software of Macintosh or PC."
"Have you worked for web design?"
"Web design is definitely going to be a popular job in these next 2-3 years, though I don't care so much.... Design is not my main interest. I wanted to be an artist. But...yes, I can do web design perfectly... almost... so far...!
"I'm glad. I know you are a maniac for computers." She clasped my hand. She was skinny, but her arms were muscular. "We will be a good team," she said with a lovely smile. I felt uncomfortable.
"What are you talking about, Jenny?"
Jenny sipped her apple matinee."I'm thinking about making my photo magazine and selling it on the Internet." She was a popular model in the world of 'leather'. "I've done some test photos, but I can't find a web designer, and you are..."
"Wait!" I interrupted her story. "I don't want to make your photo magazine. Never."
"I knew you'd say that."
"Then why did you ask?"
"Because I know you'll do it after all. To be honest, I don't have enough of a budget to ask another designer. Please, we're good friends. And if my magazine sells well, we will be rich. We will be famous."
"I don't want to be famous as a designer of a S and M magazine."
"Oh, Lika, please, it won't be a stain on your career."
"I'm sorry, Jenny. I do like you, but I don't like either your job, or my job."
"Then, why don't you try to find another job?"
"I do try. But it is so difficult for an Asian woman to find a good job here. I miss being an art student in Japan. I can't remember when was the last time I made a sculpture bigger than my hand."
"Then, why don't you go back to Japan?"
Once we started to talk about porno or art, we would never end our conversation in peace.

"Hey, relax, Lika. Don't think about porno with such a serious face. Your job and my job are kinds of art."
"Art? Don't use the word like that way."
"Do you like chocolate?"
"Yeah."
"Chocolate, porno, art: they are the same thing, in a sense."
"What?"
"It's a chocolate phenomenon." Jenny said and nodded at her own words. "Chocolate is not nutritious but you love it. People don't learn serious matters from porno, but they definitely enjoy it. Art is like that. Art can not make our stomachs full, but you know, we need it."
"That is so convenient logic for you!" I laughed.
"Yeah. If you want to survive in this city, you should smash your old logic, and create a new logic. Open your mind, Lika." Jenny said and gave me a wink.
"Believe me I am opening my mind as big as I can. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here, talking to you."
"Okay, Lika, I'll give you a couple of samples of my photographs. Please, think about my web site idea." She crammed a big business envelope into my bag. I couldn't avoid her request. Was I still attached to her as Jack? Or did she fascinate me as Jenny? I had no idea.
"Maybe there are so many things I have to learn." I said.
"Yes, you do. Lika, you're very clever. But you're so restricted by your morals." Jenny finished her apple matinee. "By the way, I'm having a party with some of the other models tonight. Do you want to join us?" she asked.
"No."
"I know you don't. You need a broader view."
"For what?"
"For your art." Before I tried to reply, Jenny stood up from her stool and left.

I went to a subway station. While I was waiting for a train, I was thinking about what Jenny said. The wall was plastered with torn posters. Jenny would find virtue in the messy subway wall....

My apartment is twelve blocks from the nearest station in Brooklyn. After I passed a few blocks, I noticed a big shadow was behind a trashcan. I was a little scared, but I approached the trashcan slowly. Then, I saw a kind of rug. I thought it was a homeless person. I strained my eyes.

"...Oh...!" It was a big teddy bear. It was about 4 feet high, very old. His right ear was torn off and his stomach had a long gash. Ugly. His beads eyes gazed at me and appealed something. I tried to ignore him, but it was difficult. I felt as if he were alive."No, don't look at me. I can't take you to my apartment," I said in a low voice. I blamed his owner for abandoning him. I walked briskly for half block, and stopped. I looked back. He was gazing at me. I turned back. The teddy bear's body was so muddy that I couldn't even touch it. "I really cannot take you, my apartment is too small. But I'll give you this." I took off my scarf and rolled it around his neck.

I reached my apartment. The heaters were working too well, but the elevators weren't working at all. When I reached the fourth floor, I was hot. I drank a beer and checked my answering machine. There was a message.
"Hi, Lika. It's Jenny. Is it too early to ask if you've decided to help me? I'm with Linda, who is thinking about creating a personal website. She needs a designer, too. I promised her I'd introduce her to you. As soon as you get home, please call me. OK? I love you." She must be very drunk. I didn't call her. I worried about that teddy bear. I couldn't help thinking about him. For some reason, his eyes burned in my heart. ...How? I took out a second beer and gulped down it quickly. I slumped down on the couch. I was too tired to take even my shoes off. Beer lolled me into sleep.

I was awakened by my scream. A heavy rain was beating the windows. I was wet. I was salty.... I realized that my sweat and tears wet me. I was crying. I had a dream of my childhood. In the dream, I was crying in my grandmother's arms. "...oh," I remembered that when I was little, I had a gigantic teddy bear.

I named my teddy bear Junk, without knowing its English meaning. A neighbor's dog bit my teddy bear's shoulder loosening a part of his stuffed body. What did I do with Junk? After the dog attacked my teddy, I hated my teddy Junk. I was scared of him because he looked so horrible. I cried about him several nights. My parents bought me a pretty French doll. I used to hold the doll in my bed instead of my pitiful teddy bear,. I had no idea what happened to Junk after I abandoned him.

How could I blame the street teddy's owner? I was suddenly filled with hot emotion.... My phone rang, but I didn't pay attention. I looked at my watch. It was eleven o'clock. I put on a raincoat and went out.

When I went to the trashcan, the teddy bear was already gone. The rain was getting stronger. I felt so paralyzed. I walked around looking for the teddy bear, in case he was left on another street. I could hear my grandmother's humming lulling me in my mind. "Junk...." I called his name. I sauntered on.

Running after rabbits on the valley
Playing with small fish at the brook
Memories are coming into my mind
Unforgettable scenes, my hometown.

Dear my family and old friends,
I am blessed with good friends here,
When it rains, when it blows,
Always thinking about my hometown.

I will make my dream come true,
Someday, I will go home to tell you all,
Miss that spectacular blue mountain,
Miss that pure clear water...
I miss... I love my hometown.*

The rain turned to misty wind. It was almost one o'clock. I shook my head. And then I spotted him. I finally found him under the bench. I approached him slowly. He looked worse. I hugged my teddy and cried. He smelled like a garbage truck. He was heavy with rain. He was so freezing that I was freezing too. Only my tears were hot.

I wrapped him in my raincoat and dragged him to my apartment.

Jenny was waiting for me in front of my door.
"Lika!" She shouted.
"What are you doing here, Jenny?"
"What are you doing, Lika?
"I was just taking a walk."
"At four o'clock in the morning? On the rainy street without an umbrella?"
"Yes."
"I called you again and again. I thought you went home straight. It's unusual that you were out overnight, because you do not have a boyfriend! I worried about you so much."
"Thank you, Jenny. You are really my best friend."
"What is this?" She pointed the teddy bear wrapped in my raincoat.
"This is my teddy bear, Junk." I showed him to her.
"Junk? Where did you pick this up?"
"Over there."
"What are you going to do with this?"
"I don't know. He needs to take a shower." I said.
"Are you okay?"
"I know. Well, I have an idea for your web."
"What? Lika, you have a fever, don't you?"
"I said I'm fine.
"What a hell thing happened to you? Tell me."
"Well, I had lost something as the time has passed. I didn't even notice I lost it. And I tried to find it." I said.
"And you found this old weird teddy bear..." she said.
"Yes, I need him."
"For what?"
"For my art. Maybe it's a chocolate phenomenon." I gave her a wink.

Since that teddy bear night, I have been feeling that I became more like a part of this city.
"What would you like?" A familiar waitress asked me.
"Well, a hamburger deluxe, and chocolate cake for dessert, please."

...The setting sun shines at my plastic dish,
Before long, city lights begin to spark,
Sometimes I admire its artificial ugliness,
Art must be a substitute for the God.
If this is too much to say...
The living cost of NYC is too much to pay.

*Furusato- Tatsunori Takano/ A Japanese traditional children's song, translated into English by the author's own interpretation.